


Second Cousin, Twice Remembered

by SandrC



Series: Balance My Deeds With My Misdeeds [43]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Amnesia, Bittersweet, Canon-Typical Violence, Dealing with PTSD, F/F, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, I REGRET NOTHING, I do a hit on Magnus, Julia Burnsides Lives, Julia is an Orc, Kalen is a fuck, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, sorrynotsorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-07-15 09:58:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16060745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SandrC/pseuds/SandrC
Summary: Killian has never been open with other people. Carey notwithstanding, no one on the B.O.B. had ever had the distinct joy of meeting her family—partially because most people assume all orcs know each other and the rest is because her family fucking sucks massive dragon dick (ha ha)—so this was out of the ordinary by far.See, she needed Tres Horny Boys to housesit. And that means talking about the elephant in the room: her displaced, traumatized, scarred cousin.(Distantly related, sure, but family is family.)Irony is: Magnus already knows her.Irony again: she sure as shit doesn't know him.





	1. In Which Killian Asks for Help

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Flamyangelwings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flamyangelwings/gifts).



> A Julia Lives AU, wherein Killian is Julia's cousin and Julia doesn't remember shit.
> 
> Pain incoming. It hurts. It hurts me to write it.
> 
> Lord knows that I don't know when I'll update this again. I know I don't know. I know I'll try, for sure, but who knows.
> 
> I'll do my best.

"C'mon _dii jud_ , just _ask_ them! It's not like you have any _other_ choice! Besides, _worst_ case scenario, they break some tchotchkes and maybe kill your plants! Why are you so _tense_?" Carey draped herself over Killian's shoulders and stared at her girlfriend while hanging upside down. "You're not the one having your uptight family be racist fucks to your perfect tol _gee-eff_ while you have dinner."

"But _nIHwI_ '! I have my cousin over and you _know_ how those fucks are with new people!" Whining was not becoming of Killian, she was a pretty solid person normally, but something about the Reclaimers always rubbed her the wrong way. _Mainly_ that they were about as sociable as a sugar-addled toddler. _Somewhat_ because they were jackasses with no goddamn tact.

"So tell them!" Carey drawled, rolling over on her stomach. "Say ' _hey_! I need you to keep my plants from dying while I meet the family. Also, my cousin is here, don't be a dick, she has PTSD and amnesia. _Please_ don't kill her.' Easy-peasy."

"Then _you_ do it, lizard."

Carey stuck out her tongue in response. Killian smooched her right on the snoot.

" _Fine_ ," with a belabored sigh, Killian gave in. "I'll let them in on the joke and also if they hurt her I will murder _you_ and then _them_ and make some sort of macabre turducken with y'all's corpses."

" _Fair 'nuff_." Carey nuzzled Killian's head. "But I get to come with, for emotional support."

"My support girlfriend. I can keep _this_ one because she does my brain good."

"I notify you when you're having a panic attack."

"The _best_." She kissed Carey again and smiled. "Now let's pack for the long haul."

"Don't forget your bras this time."

"I make no promises."

* * *

Magnus, Merle, and Taako were doing what they _always_ did on days off—getting real drunk and then sleeping—when someone rapped on their door. Jolting back to pseudo-consciousness, Taako cast Mage Hand and let the loud motherfucker at the door in.

The loud motherfucker in question was Killian, Carey wrapped around her neck like some sort of living boa. She looked apprehensive, an odd look for her, but _determined_. " _Get up_ assholes. I need you to do something for me."

" _Nice to see you too_ , Killian," Taako rolled off the couch and onto Magnus, a petty sneer creeping into his slightly-hungover face. Magnus yelped and kicked Merle, who blinked crust out of his eyes. Now all three were awake and _hated_ it.

"Ha _ha_ ," she didn't sound sorry in the slightest. _Fine_. Fuck off. " _Seriously_ though, I need your help."

"So get in line and _pay_ us, doll." Taako used Magnus to leverage himself up, to the whining protest of the fighter.

" _What's up?_ " Merle adjusted his arm back onto his stump and blinked blearily.

" _Toldja_ one of them would be decent enough, _dii jud_!" Carey looked smug.

"Don't—Taako you fucking have some _bullshit_ bonespur elbows! What _even_ —?!" Magnus shoved Taako onto the couch and rubbed the spot where Taako had jammed his elbow into the meaty bits of him.

"Sorry for the bullshit, we were napping off a bender," Merle smiled apologetically, which made Killian doubt every goddamn decision she made to that point. When Merle is the sensible one, shit is wrong. Very _very_ wrong.

"So _yeah_ , I need you to housesit for me." Fuck _right_ off, she needed to get it over with.

"For _free_?" Taako looked aghast.

"You have a _house_?" Merle looked shocked.

"We'd _love_ to!" Magnus agreed immediately, without extra information.

(A whole and wholesome summation of the three of them as people.)

Carey made a smug noise. Killian frowned. "So _yeah_ , some heads up though, coz I wanna come back to a home _without_ fire all over and in it. I want to come home to a house _period_. _Please_ don't burn my house down."

She took a deep, _long suffering_ breath, and continued. " _One_ : I have half a dozen succulents. They're hard to kill. Don't kill them. _Or_ fuck them, Merle." To his credit, the dwarf did look called out. _Good_. " _Two_ : I need you to _not_ throw wild ragers for the three goddamn days I'll be gone. _Please_. No parties. I _will_ murder you if you do. No lie." Taako was the one that looked put-off now. _Fuck him_. " _Three_ : I've been hosting my cousin—second cousin twice removed, really, but _semantics_ —while she's recovering from _literally_ having her life just fucking _ruined_. She's got some heavy trauma going on and doesn't do well with strangers, but I just... _super_ need someone to watch the place and she isn't...she's doing _bad_. _Better_ now, but bad." Magnus, for all it was worth, looked _heartbroken_.

"You've _got_ our attention!" Taako cleaned his nails, seemingly disinterested. Killian knew him well enough to know that he was _very_ damn interested.

"So the lowdown is this: go to my place, watch over my plants, and don't set off my cousin? She's been through a _lot_. She needs her rest." Sincerity, not her strong suit, but Killian made do.

"What're you doing?" Magnus asked.

"Dinner with Carey's family."

" _Yikes_." Magnus winced sympathetically.

" _Yeah_ ," Carey nodded. Her tail whipped back and forth, claws digging into Killian's neckmeat. Goosebumps rose up along her nape.

"So y'all good to _go_? Like, can I trust _you_? To watch my _place_? While I'm _gone_?" Her voice kept rising in pitch as she went.

The three shared a Look, meaningful and loaded. Taako's ear twitched—just the one. Merle's mouth was drawn into an uncharacteristic tight bow. Magnus worried at his nails, the deep, glossy navy flaking off at his nail bed. Then Taako stood erect, his shitty hat tiled on an axis, and smiled. It was insincere, this smile. Most of Taako's smiles are, but this one was especially so. Guarded even.

"Give us money for pizza, your Fantasy Netflix password, and you've got yourself a _deal_ , doll." His ears stood neutral, a forty-five degree angle from at rest. His face gave away nothing save for a vague feeling of 'I don't trust you and I doubt I ever will' that was a matte cover to a pretty façade.

" _Deal_ ," Killian extended her hand and shook, noting the prim and practiced way his fingers curled around around her wrist without touching palms. "Come to the hangar in three hours and I'll have you set up. Don't worry about the Director. I've got her covered." Killian grinned, toothily.

Carey hummed, a low sound against the back of Killian's ears. It was comforting. The _best_.

She sure hoped that shit wouldn't break bad. Maybe, for the first time in a long time, those there fuckheads wouldn't mess shit up.

 _Maybe_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation notes:
> 
> dii jud: precious gem (Draconic)  
> nIHwI: dear (Orc)


	2. In Which Several People are Disappointed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Or: Killian knows damn well she's being petulant, but for fuck's sake Lucretia! Have a heart!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's amazing what I will do to not work on a part of another story I'm stuck on LMAO
> 
> This was done instead of working on Second Star. Well'p. This happened. I regret nothing.
> 
> This story is an experiment in quality over quantity. More story with more natural endings and so on. I'm satisfied. Thank me for me.

"No."

" _Madam Director_!" For the second time that day, Killian found herself whining at someone.

" _Look_ , Killian. I know you want to meet Carey's family—" she _super_ didn't, but Carey's family _demanded_ it, so moot point, "—but I can't have two of my best Regulators _and_ all of my Reclaimers gone at the same time! And _another_ thing: why is it that your cousin is fine on her own for so long but the instant you go out of town for more than a day, you need a housesitter?" Gravitas laden, the Director's voice still carried a bite. Sharp, like lemon rind.

"Because, _Madam Director_ ," the infliction was not lost on anyone, pointed and pointing as it was, " _normally_ , during the work week, I visit my cousin at home to make sure everything is fine. As I will be in no position to check on her, I need someone to do so. And if _you_ know the Reclaimers as well as _I_ do—" she did, moreso than Killian could _ever_ know, "—you know that those three fucks can't be trusted to visit regularly unless they're boarding there!"

Carey snorted slightly, stifling it with her hand. This was, admittedly, a fucking _riot_.

" _Three days_ _though_?!"

"If you need them, really _really_ need them, then call them up. But otherwise, let me have this! You _know_ me," Killian pled, "I don't ask for much, just let me have this one!"

The Director chewed on her lower lip, fingers drumming gently against her staff. She maintained eye contact with Killian the whole while, unblinking and sharp. Then she sighed, " _alright_. Three days. If I need them, they're _mine_."

" _Thank you_ , Madam Director!" Killian snagged Carey and darted off to the hangar. The Director watched them go without a word.

"Don't thank me just yet," she muttered as Killian left, eyebrows pinched but mouth set in a soft smile. "I think you may just eat those words."

* * *

"You live all the way out by _Glamour Springs_?" Taako was doing his best to sound okay. He was _not_ , of course, _doing okay_. That's fine and all, but Taako had to maintain the Brand after all, and being Not Okay was _not_ part of the Brand.

"Outside the town proper. My family used to own a stable and ranch, selling direwolves and owlbears and other such odd mounts to discerning individuals. Mostly Monstrum-adjacent humanoids, the odd gerblin or two, what have you." Killian dusted off her hands and looked around at the modest estate with their empty barn and fields. "Not any _more_ , of course. Not _here_ anyway. Something about orcs selling monsters to monsters made people wary and..." she made a squiggly hand gesture as if to indicate the icky nature of their being run out.

"I _retrieved_ the deed from some sleeze in town and gave it back to Killian and she's been watching the land and prepping it for post-job life _ever since_." Cary looked _damn proud_ about that. She had every right to, since she _also_ freed the man's orc slaves and took all his belts to spite him. It was a good evening of theft and roguish actions.

Magnus had hearts in his eyes. "That's _so_ sweet!"

"Best girlfriend I could ask for!" Killian nuzzled Carey, then turned to look at the three Reclaimers.

Taako had brought a veritable fucking wardrobe with him, using Levitate to move them along. He looked uncomfortable but disinterested. Distinctly aloof. Practiced. Poised.

Merle had grabbed what amounted to a bindle, jammed a single potted pot plant into it alongside his clothes, and fucked right off to the Hangar. He was taking in the lush majesty of nature and looked just awestruck. He also was wearing socks and sandals with a fanny pack and his shitty Jort-pers.

Magnus, in contrast to Taako's opulent spread and Merle's almost utilitarian packing, had brought one adventurer's bag worth of clothes, minor toiletries, and sundry other items—including a modest spread of nail polish and a few blocks of wood to carve. He bounced from one foot to the other, taking in everything he could see, excited to just be there.

" _So_ ," Killian gestured to her house, "my place ahead. Again, the rules _are_?"

"Don't kill or fuck the plants, no wild parties, no magical shenanigans, no setting the grounds for a massive prank war, and don't upset your cousin." All three of them, in varying degrees of monotone, responded in unison.

" _Good_. Glad to see you remember." Killian nodded, pleased, then looked at the sun. "Shit. Gotta hop the next orb to the Teeth. Keep this place in one piece, _please and thank you_!" Carey laughed as Killian grabbed her under one arm and hopped back in the transport orb. "Also: no loud noises or magic involving fire! She can't handle that!" Then the orb took off to the moon base and Tres Horny Boys were left to enter unknown territory.

They stood on the dirt road leading up to casa del Crushbone for what felt like _forever_. Like, an eternity. For- _fucking_ -ever. Eventually, as the crisp autumnal day began to wane into cold-as-a-witch's-tit night, Merle walked up to the front door and rapped gently. Magnus twiddled his fingers and Taako looked irritable while they waited for Killian's cousin to answer. After a few seconds, Merle knocked again, soulwood arm making gentle sounds against a sturdy oak door.

_This_ time someone answered, a scarred orc woman with wide eyes opened the door and looked them up and down. " _Hello_?" Merle stepped aside and Taako was staying back, idly dusting his crop top off. That left Magnus in full view of the woman, Killian's supposed cousin.

His hands were shaking violently, clammy and clenched into hard fists.. He reached out with one hand as if he were seeing a ghost, eyes wide with horror and hope?

Merle looked back and forth from Magnus to the woman. So did Taako, though more of a side-eye than Merle's open gaze.

Magnus opened his mouth and then closed it again, working his thoughts before he said them. Then he found his words. Just one, a shaky, " _Julia_?"

"I'm sorry, but _who_ are you?"


	3. In Which Tears are Shed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Or: describing characters is fun, eat me.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the Orc here is ripped from a Klingon translator because I used it for Orc in a chapter of Vis-a-vis and I like it.
> 
> It's def not accurate but it's fun.
> 
> I'm for fun.
> 
> I also HC that Magnus knows Orc because his wife spoke it when she got nervous/excited but it reminds him of her so he doesn't speak it as much any more.
> 
> Sad sad sad.
> 
> It'll get better though.
> 
> Eventually...

" _JIQoS! JIQoS!_ I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to startle him! I can get some supplies from the medicine cabinet if you need me to! _Water_? I can get water! Ice water? How about a pillow? Please bring him in! _LaH vor neH SoH_? Unless you can't? Then I'll bring him in if you don't mind. Do you? _No_? Oh, good."

As Magnus woke, the frantic babbling of Julia caught him by his heartstrings and yanked him to consciousness. Tears bubbled in his eyes and he bit back a sob. _Poorly_. His breath hitched.

" _Oh,_ he's awake! That's good! I don't know _what_ I would have done if he didn't wake up! You said he's a fighter? Sure looks the part! _HoS je 'IH_. Sorry I made you pass out though, I didn't mean to hurt you! I just didn't know how you knew my name is all. Sorry. _JIQoS_." Julia continued, coming into focus from grainy green blob to a very worried orc woman.

There were splattered burn scars across her cheeks, pocking her skin. Across her neck, running up the right side of her jaw to her tattered ear was a large, pale scar. Her left tusk was missing entirely, a starburst scar ripping from above where it would have been into the lower part of her nose. Her bright blue eyes stared as Magnus continued to wake. Her dark hair was cropped short in a way that looked hurried and uncaring, close to her head and choppy. Her other ear—the one untouched by the large scar—was ripped as though someone tore out piercings. Her hands worried at a small bead of wood.

Magnus found his voice again. " _Sorry_ ," he croaked. His chest hurt. Tears continued to bubble forth. "You just remind me of m—of someone I knew from a while back."

" _JIQoS_. That's fine! So long as you're okay! I though you were a goner but your friends, Taako and Merle, said you'd be fine. Taako even said that you were enough of a weepy bitch that you passed out or cried at any little thing so that helped a lot! _SoHvaD boneH, wa'._ " Taako looked mildly smug. The rest of his look was concern and worry. A _very_ un-Taako like look indeed.

" _Yeah_...," he refused to make eye contact. It hurt too much.

Julia leaned back and worried at the bead. "Merle says you're here to watch the place while _mach wa'_ is off at _DIHom muSHa'ghach_ 's home. Oh, _sorry_!" She worried the bead harder, looking away, her ruined ears stiffly flicking down. " _JIQoS_. I was...I talk too much in _Hol_. Sorry. _Mac_ —Killian says I should work more on speaking Common but she and _DIH_ —Carey are so kind as to not yell. _HoS jachpu'DI' wab 'oy'moH_. I don't like loud sounds." Merle seemed like he knew something but not _enough_? It was in his eyes—glittering—and his eyebrows—furrowed.

Magnus swallowed heavily. She looked so much like he remembered and yet so _so_ different. The burns on her face and hands were the same, from days working at the forge. The cracked tusk was new, their wedding band missing. The way her eyes darted from place to place was new but their bright blue color was the same. Her hair was shorter—not by much—and much more unkempt. She looked hollow and fearful. She still babbled when she was nervous. She used more Orc than before. She didn't used to apologize as much.

He missed her _so_ much, even when she was _right_ in front of him.

Gods, what had he done to deserve this?

"It's...alright. _Rejmorgh yIDaQo' vIHtaHbogh 'oH_." Magnus didn't think much as the Orc spilled forth. Seeing her had undammed the life he had left behind, including the languages he had learned. It was uncomfortable comfort. "Not like I'm hurt. Made of tougher stuff... _wej vIjaH ghor_."

Now he could feel three sets of eyes on him. Taako's ears were erect, a perfect eyebrow arched in a manner that conveyed gossip to be had. Merle was squinting at him, confused as to how that language came out of his long-time partner's mouth. Julia was still as a cornered rabbit, ears downward, the bead between her fingers almost cracking.

"So when were you gonna tell us you could speak Orc?" Merle's tone wasn't accusatory. No, instead his words were slow and simple, almost monotone, and calming.

Magnus flushed. " _I_ —it never _seemed_ —I didn't _think_ —"

"If _I'Morko_ wants to keep secrets, _let_ him! Not like _we_ have any room to throw stones in this glass castle we live in, _huh_?" Taako's tone was biting but his ears were worried. It was strange, how easily one could read him if they paid attention to his ears. Magnus found a slight smile make its way out. " _Besides_ —" Taako drawled, "if we threw a bitch fit every time a secret was revealed, we'd never stop being pissed. I mean, you didn't flip your shit over Kravitz, _didja_?" Merle blinked owlishly. "Then shut up old man."

" _JIQoS_. I didn't meant to stop like that but _'oH jatlhDI' 'ej jIHvaD 'oy' ghaH_. I _don't_ —humanmen are okay, _fine_ even, all right as is, but _Hol_ and humanmen is... _tIq 'oy' pa' weq? JIQoS. JIQoS_." Julia stepped aside a bit and gestured to the inside of Killian's house. "Please come in and get comfortable! _Vaj SoHvaD yIvoqQo' ghaH vaj jIjatlhpu'!_ The guest room is the second on the right. I'm using the master room right now and Killian sleeps in the best guest room when she's here so... _ghorgh nga'chuq lughaj_."

Magnus got himself sorted and dusted off his pants.

(Lies. He got himself up off the ground and put his mental breakdown on pause really but, _semantics_.)

As the remaining two got their things put up, having trailed in after Julia to the guest room—only one because _fuck it,_ boystack—Magnus took deep breaths, counted to seven and down, and entered the house. He couldn't dwell on it. It would destroy him.

It was _only_ three days.

Then he could collapse. Then he could grieve all over again.

_Three days._

* * *

Merle finished giving the house a look-see, taking special note of the placement, light situation, and health of Killian's succulents. All good. All lit. All happy.

He wouldn't fuck 'em. Killian made him _promise_.

(That didn't mean he wasn't gonna ask 'em if they wanted to communicate anything to Killian. Some of them had Opinions. He'd leave a list.)

But all this was a distraction from Maggie and his steeze. _Whatever_ it was about Julia hurt him. Badly.

He'd only seen him _this_ upset after the Chalice. Said something about his wife and his home.

Looked like he wanted to die.

Well, pretty much only Taako came out of Refuge without looking like he wanted to take a running start off the moon. Dying was bad, losing his hand was bad, Phandalin was bad, but _fuck_ man, nothing beat the look of torture on Magnus's face when the chalice dropped them back together before reminding them of their collective fuck-up.

But still...

Speak of the devil and so on, just as Merle was finishing off his inspection of Killian's home, Magnus came out of their shared room. His eyes were red and he was breathing funny, but he wasn't crying.

"Sup Mags!" Magnus only gave a noncommittal grunt back. "Okay asshole. _Don't_ say hello. Hope you shit out the stick in your ass soon..."

" _Fuck_ ," Magnus let out a long sigh and dragged his fingers through his beard. " _Sorry_....it's just...."

"Julia?" Merle raised an eyebrow. He didn't need to finish the question. The question was enough on its own.

Magnus' face fell—crumpled almost. He seemed to collapse in on himself, folding like a bad hand of cards. " _She_ —" he choked, words molasses from spun-sugar teeth, " _gods_ , Merle. I don't know if I can just _talk_ about this here! Near her! Merle, _I_ —" fingers clutched at his beard, shaking and pale. His face twisted in terror, "Merle...that's my _wife_ and—and I thought she was _dead_!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation Notes:  
> JIQoS: apologies (Orc)  
> LaH vor neH SoH: He looks heavy! (Orc)  
> HoS je 'IH: He's handsome. (Orc)  
> SoHvaD boneH, wa': funny, this one (Orc)  
> mach wa': little one (Orc)  
> DIHom muSHa'ghach: lightning lizard (Orc)  
> Hol: the Language (Orc)  
> HoS jachpu'DI' wab 'oy'moH: Loud noises scare me. (Orc)  
> Rejmorgh yIDaQo' vIHtaHbogh 'oH: Don't worry, I'm fine. (Orc)  
> wej vIjaH ghor: made of tougher stuff (Orc)  
> I'Morko: the bear (Elven)  
> 'oH jatlhDI' 'ej jIHvaD 'oy' ghaH: he said things that hurt (Orc)  
> tIq 'oy' pa' weq: makes me sick (Orc)  
> Vaj SoHvaD yIvoqQo' ghaH vaj jIjatlhpu': if she says you're fine, I believe her (Orc)  
> ghorgh nga'chuq lughaj: they make love (Orc)


	4. In Which Secrets are Shared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Or: *slams fists on table rhythmically* ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pain?
> 
> Pain.
> 
> Hello, I have hurt myself writing this. I regret everything. Depression's a bitch.
> 
> I really want hot wings. That may be my lunch tomorrow. IDK m8. IDK why I'm telling y'all this but like...word vomit?
> 
> This nerd decided to fucking run a DND campaign for their birthday in December. Like "hey family, for my day of birth, I wish to rope you into nerd shenanigans! no gifts, only dice! I am your god now!". Whoops. That's my life.
> 
> Bless.

Julia was gently worrying at the wooden beads she had when Taako waltzed into the kitchen, an apron reading " **I'm GAY: Good At YCooking** " wrapped around his waist. She started slightly, but moved out of his way as he threw open the cabinets with a quick cast of Prestidigitation. He inspected the contents with a thin, raised eyebrow, and smirked when he saw the spread.

" _Excellent_!" Taako clapped his hands together and rolled up his sleeves, moving quickly to tie his long hair in a quick and efficient updo. "Let's get cracking!"

Julia moved to leave, ears down, trying to take as little space as possible, when Taako clicked his tongue. "You think you can help our here? I don't know where Killian keeps her pots and pans. Or knife sharpener. Or knives."

"Oh! Do you mean _me_? _JIQoS_...I-I didn't mean to get in the way!" Her fingers worried harder at the bead. "I'm—I can leave— _vutwI' QaQ jIHbe'_..."

" _Nonsense_! If I _wanted_ you to leave, I'dve told you to. _I_ , unlike others, don't mince words. _Believe it or not_." His terse yet comfortable and familiar tone pulled at something in Julia. She sighed, fingers still working the bead.

"Okay. What d'you need me to get, _mul wa_ '?" His ears flicked up for a second, then settled back in a neutral tilt.

"Grab me a chopping board and a thick knife. One for potatoes. Gonna make some _stew_." The water ran as Taako washed his hands, never once looking at her, keeping his back to her the whole time. " _C'mon_! Even if idiots can't fuck up stew, I don't wanna wait for the next _century_ before I eat!"

Startled—the good kind, it seemed, that didn't send her into a spiral of terror—Julia nodded and darted for the right drawers and cabinets. Good stone chopping board under one arm and a block of fine-kept knives in her other, she trotted back to Taako and set the items down. He sucked on his teeth appreciatively.

"Good shit. Y'all's family was good off for people run out of town, _huh_?" He pulled out a paring knife and tested the edge with a thin strip of lettuce. Satisfied with the results, he nodded and set the knife down. Using Mage Hand, he pulled a few potatoes out of the fridge and stared rinsing them. "Think you can peel these suckers?"

" _Um_ —"

"The turning knife is the small, curved one. Use that to take the skin off but don't toss it. We're gonna fry them fuckers right up. A _snack_ , just for the cooking crew." Taako gestured to the knife in question. "Peel 'em into a bowl, big, and set 'em aside."

" _Jlyaj_." Julia nodded and took a place at his side, nervously eyeing the knife in her hand. She didn't know where to start and...knives and all. " _Puq jatlhlaHbe'wI', QIp, lo'laHbe'. Vaj chuHta' ngejtaH SuHay'DI' qIp. Vaj Hegh pagh, QaQ, qatlh naDev? Hoch ghom SoH 'oy'. Dunmo' DoH Heghpu'..._ "

" _Look_ ," Taako was uncomfortably close now, drooping ears brushing her own, "I don't speak _Hol_. That's not an easy fix, all in all, but I can tell when someone is shitting on themselves. Now, you may not know me from Jack, but there is _no_ bitchin' in _my_ fucking kitchen, so either buck up or speak a language we both know. I know Common, _L' lammen_ , _Asaara-bas_ , take your pick. Just not _Hol_." He pulled back, almost as if he noticed her tensed shoulders and clipped breaths. " _Your choice_ , Jules."

_There_. A brief catch in her chest. _Why_? " _Don't call me that_." She shook, mouth dry, the turning knife a dangerous weapon, pointed at Taako in fear. " _JIQoS_ not that. Julia. Not _that_. _No_ , not that. Please. _JIQoS_ but _please_..."

Taako's ears flipped downward. He bit his lips. " _Alright_ , Julia. So _dish_. Tell me about yourself, if that's fine. Gotta keep the mouth busy so it don't munch while working." He washed another spud, feigning nonchalance.

She peeled a potato in one swift movement, not once breaking the skin. Taako let out a noise of appreciation. "I—" she hummed, ears low still, "—a man. _Had_ me...held _me_. I didn't—" another break, a potato perfectly peeled and passed to Taako, "he said _things_. I was... _scared_? _Worried_. Hurt. Didn't remember much. He said—he—called me _Jules_...didn't _hit_ me, no. Never hit. _Called_ —spoke to me in _Hol_. Soft tone, _bad_ words." Potato, potato, potato. Silence for a moment. Then more, through clenched teeth. " _Touched_ —yelled—when I wouldn't—said I was _ungrateful_ —rude— _bad_ Jules— _shitty_ woman— _Hol_ and Common— _bad_..." she hissed, a scrape of a sharp knife against yet thumb. Blood bubbled up. " _JIQoS_...hurt _again_. Can't speak well sometimes. Common is— _Hol_ can be—sorry. _Fuck_."

Taako pulled a Fantasy Bandaid out of his apron pocket and offered it to her. "Starch fucks up the clotting. Wash that shit and the knife off, bandaid up, and let's keep chatting." A soft smile graced her lips, a sharp contrast to his silent grimace.

As she washed her hand and bandaged it, he chopped the peeled potatoes into sixteenths, minding his fingers. His mind was miles away though, boiling over with anger and bile. "I used to do a cooking show. Did one round here." Julia started at how voice but came back to peel potatoes, bandaid in place. Taako continued, "worked with a dude named Sazed Baker. Thought I _hung the moon_ , that one. Would do _anything_ for me. So I used that. Made him the labor, the books, the behind the scenes action of my show. Didn't care if I hurt him coz I'd already been alone for so long that losing him was normal. Being alone was _normal_." Chucking the potato into a pot, he moved to the next. "And one day he had _enough_."

Julia's ears were down, mouth drawn. "He _hurt_ you?"

"Sure as shit _tried_!" His laugh was dry. She caught that. He moved to the next potato. "Arsenic. In the food. The garlic masked it. Couldn't tell till forty people died. Should've tasted the dish before serving it but...I _didn't_." His voice cracked and wavered. She remained silent and listening. "So I ran coz I thought _I did it_. Elderberry garnish looks a _lot_ like nightshade and I used a _lot_ of magic. Made things into other things. Showy. _Stupid_."

"You said _arsenic_?"

" _Funny thing_ , guilt. Coz when I found out it _wasn't_ me, _years_ later, after _so_ much running, I just... _broke_? _Wasn't my fault._ _Didn't matter_! I _didn't_ do it! It was _Sazed_! But like...I _made_ him do that, in a way. I was shitty, snobbish. If I had shared the spotlight _maybe_ —" Taako choked a bit, eyes swimming. Julia reached out, then thought against it. "It happened in Glamour Springs. Five years ago. And I only _just now_ feel safe enough to be _near_ the damn place."

Julia stopped peeling and placed a broad hand on his knee. "It isn't your fault. _He_ did it. _Not_ you. No, even if you _were_ selfish, then this Sazed would have hurt people to get what he wanted. Like...like Kalen...that man..."

And they wept in the stew. They wept in solace.

* * *

Merle patted the bed in the room they shared. After walking Magnus back to it to talk, he just needed to sit his stubby little ass down before dishing.

Magnus slumped down without protest. _Damn_ , he really _was_ hurting.

"Okay. _Explain_." Merle's voice was calm and slow, parental and understanding.

Magnus sniffled. "Her name was Julia Burnsides and I met her in Raven's Roost. Or, I suppose, her name _is_ Julia Burnsides. If she even remembers..." Fingers carded through rough beard, tracing lines marking sleepless nights and terrors fought. "I was—ironically, I didn't know _who_ I was or _why_ I was there but—she let me in her home. Her and her dad. Best blacksmith and carpentry shop in the Roost. They—I picked it up quick."

Merle just watched as Magnus stammered his way through his past with this woman. His wife. Julia.

"The governor of that place, Kalen, he was a _real fuck_ and like...they'd had _enough_. Just needed a _push_. A catalyst. And I showed up and started—we—" he took a deep breath can continued, "Julia and I lead the revolt. I was the vocal outsider and Julia the quiet undermining. We broke them down and on the final day—she...I _couldn't_... _I let him go_. Couldn't kill him. _So_ —"

"It isn't unkind to leave a cruel man alive. Someone's blood on your hands isn't worth the grief." Merle was full of old man wisdom. Never followed it, sure, but full of it. Shit too, but fuck right off.

"He came back. While I was going to get my Master's certification in carpentry and he—Raven's Roost is built on a series of large supports and he fucking... _blew_ them up. My home. My wife. My father-in-law. My friends. Dead and—and _she_ —she was _alive_ this whole time and _doesn't_ —and I can't just _look_ at—be near—it _hurts_ Merle! It hurts and I _can't do anything_ about it and I—! It would be kinder to _die_ than stay here but I promised and _that's my wife_ , Merle! And _I don't know what to do_!" For a large man, Magnus sure could fall apart. To pieces even.

Merle could only watch as his friend—more his son, not that he'd say shit about it—cried like he had nothing left. Watch and comfort because what could you say to a man who had lost so much and only now found something again.

Merle simply _was_ for Magnus, who wanted to stop existing if only to halt the pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation Notes:  
> JIQoS: apologies (Orc)  
> vutwI' QaQ jIHbe': I'm not a good cook (Orc)  
> mul wa': stubborn one (Orc)  
> jlyaj: affirmative (Orc)  
> Puq jatlhlaHbe'wI', QIp, lo'laHbe'. Vaj chuHta' ngejtaH SuHay'DI' qIp. Vaj Hegh pagh, QaQ, qatlh naDev? Hoch ghom SoH 'oy'. Dunmo' DoH Heghpu'...: He said child, useless fool, pointless. You'll die and no one will ever care but you try? You just run from death. Useless... (Orc)  
> L' lammen: the Speech (Elven)  
> Asaara-bas: Home Tongue (Gerblin)


	5. In Which Nothing Much Happens and That Is Bad, In A Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Or: I play in the Julia Space because I'm a dummy and also forgot how to write this fic whoops...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has Been An AGE!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Hey there hi there! It me, local fanfiction boi, Sandr. Sorry for the long delay between chapters, but I'm done with 50K+ of an MSA fic because I have no fucking chill and am 0-100% in like no time at all. Call me Shigeo Kageyama, coz I am 100% Apologetic my dudes.
> 
> Anyway, idk when the next chapter of this will be but you can thank constanted and their amazing fic work especially in the nonlinear confusing stream of consciousness Magnus department for this one.
> 
> Hey, constanted, I'm bad at words sometimes. Sometimes this works out for me.
> 
> This is one of those times.
> 
> Embrace that shit.
> 
> Anyway, TW: vague interpersonal dissociation, references to possible assault, references to possible robbery, one (1) mention of the kind drugs, and memory issues for REAL.

Julia was confused by Magnus. He looked at her funny, _not_ like Kalen with lust and want and greed, but sad and empty with a smile (not _quite_ pained but more than _more than ~~more than—?~~_ ) that made her want to grab him by the hand and yell until he _listens_.

(Who _is_ he to her? Who is this _Magnus_ to her? Why _does_ she? _Why_ does she? _Why does she? ~~Why does—?~~_ )

So she cooked with Taako instead. _Mach wa'_ said they'd be here for three days and that's (sad she'll miss him and that's _so sad she'll miss him and that's ~~so sad she'll—~~_ ) okay but Magnus is so _pained_ she _can't_ be near him. Or maybe he's so _painful_ to _be_ near him.

_Who knows._

Merle won't talk to her about it but that's _okay_. He said something about _Decisions_ and something about _Choice_ and something about _Not My Business, Though They'd Make It Theirs Were It Me, The Shits_ and the way he smiled was _nice_. Fatherly. _Warm_.

Too warm it is too warm it is _too warm it is ~~too warm it is too—~~_

Merle is something wholly different than pain of Magnus and sad relief of Taako. Merle is smiles and wise and her heart clenches and she and she _and she ~~and she and she—!~~_

The stew turned out _great_. Meaty and warm with deep spices and a large flat bay leaf in it.

("Whoever gets the leaf in their stew gets good luck," Taako said. Merle rolled his eyes and he swatted him upside the head. "Shitty old man! S'a fucking _ancient_ bit of lore! Older than _your_ crusty ass, _that's_ for sure!")

Merle's soup was leafless, to Magnus and Taako's _unknowable_ glee. Taako's was too, to his blasé note. Magnus ate his stew so fast that if he had the leaf, no one would notice it (which was so typical of typical of _typical of ~~typical of—~~_ )

But it floated in her bowl, large and olive green, and she smiled and thanked a goddess she did not remember ( ~~Her Queen's Bright Lady, Weaver and Star Seamstress, Master of Fate and Spiders, Lolth fuck right off with your dark magic bullshit _thankyouverymuch_~~ ). Taako elbowed her in the ribs excitedly and she flinched but faked a laugh when Magnus, in low Elven, scolded Taako for his act.

She didn't know the words but the tone was _Don't_ and _Apologize_ and _You Know Better_. She didn't _she didn't ~~she didn't—~~_

Merle patted her leg and she met his eyes and he winked, brow crinkling. "I don't know _much_ about trauma," he said and she didn't believe him much in that respect, "but I _am_ a holy man of the earth and I _can_ hook you up with a quick spliff to take the edge off." _That_ , she believed. The _drugs_ part. Not the holy man part.

(She could feel the green reach of _something_ radiant coming off of him, but it _might_ have been the fact that he looked like an unwrapped granola bar. Radiant doesn't mean holy doesn't mean wholly doesn't mean _doesn't mean ~~doesn't mean doesn't—~~_ )

_Despite_ it all, she _liked_ these three. No, _wait_. She _liked_ Taako, all grim grimace and dark watching eyes and ears that read like pinafore flag signaling and hidden lies within truth shells like pearls before swine. She _liked_ Merle, flat lies and flatter truth and bright crooked grin knowing more than knowing can while being so bad at it all.

She didn't know _how_ to feel about Magnus, bushy bristly felt like home but how could he when her skin smells of fire and pain and loss and screams she could hear him scream _she could hear him scream ~~she could hear him scream—!!!~~_

_Father_ , she cried in her sleep, and it was more than she could bear.

Julia wondered, sometimes, if she was broken? If the tears in her ears were from being pulled about by shiny metal seared to her skin? If her tusk was shattered by greedy fists and clawed hands pulled pearls and opal and wood and smiles from her? If the way that her tongue, _Hol_ , so simple, spoken by a humanman, soft skin with boar bristle hair, chipped grin and sad sad eyes, defied her and defined her and confined her?

Julia wondered sometimes if she wondered sometimes if she _wondered sometimes if she ~~wondered—?!~~_

But _three days_. She could _live_ with three days.

She could live with _three days_.

She could _live_ with three.

_She_ could live.

~~_She—_ ~~

**Author's Note:**

> This work is based on a lovely post by flamyangelwings on tumblr. Please send her all your love.
> 
> She deserves it. She gave me her blessing.


End file.
